Black Monday - 18PG

Good day dear friend... I've been un approachable this past weeks..

I have lost my precious unborn baby
I do not know where to start...
Let's begin from the top,shall we?...

Monday, November 26th at 5pm..
I started to have cramps..the pain started mild and gradually it became stronger..
I panicked of course!! so I start doing the dishes because I didn't want to think much about it (the pain) but then after about 5 minutes, the cramp became stronger,unbearable,excruciating then suddenly....
there it came, a gush, a pool of blood streaming down my legs.. I became cold feet!!!
I have never seen so much blood coming out from a person!! The blood that came out during labor is not as gory as during miscarriage!!! trust me!!! you know why? because during labor you are on the bed and you dont see the blood gushing out!!!

so, back to the story...
I called(or did I yelled? can't remember...) my husband to take me to the hospital..
In the car, the blood gushing out of me nonstop!! God!! I was so scared!! I knew I have lost my baby the moment I saw the first blood stain on Saturday (November 24th) but now, I was afraid for my life. When we reached the hospital, the nurses immediately pulled me to the Emergency Room (i.e The Resusitation Ward).The doctors and nurses started to work on me. The doctor said that they need to clean/take out the fetus out because it is stuck at my cervics, that is why I'm bleeding so much...
And so the act of scraping out my baby from me began... they cleaned, and scrap and cleaned..and the blood, God!! the blood!!! I just can't put in words how much blood was lost that night!! During the chaos, my blood pressure (BP) dropped to an alarming state. They began injecting me with fluids to stabilize the BP at the same time, I'm starting to feel sleepy and dizzy..that was scary!!! Mind you, they were still "cleaning" me up...

One and a half hours later, everything was done. They "cleaned" me up good. The doctors said that mine was a rare case because in cases of miscarriages, usually we need to undergo D&C. Lucky for me, I do not have to go through that process because most of the blood (about 50%) was already out during the trip to the hospital. During those quite hours after the aftermath, a nurse came to clean me up and made me change to a cleaner clothes. It felt strange. Deep inside I didn't want to change to a cleaner clothes because I felt that I was losing my connection to my baby. crazy huh!?? It was so sad.. I cried when the nurses left. Not long after that, I saw them took away my unborn baby..I cried even harder after that because, I didn't had the chance to say good bye. The nurse tried to calm me and told to rest,but I can't.. I cried even more...

That night, I spend it at the hospital. I was in pain because there were tubes and wires all over me. I couldn't sleep. I stared at the ceiling trying to calm myself down, the past events during the last months started playing inside my mind like a movie (without the popcorn and large Coke)... I know earlier during the pregnancy I was having doubts but, after 2months, I actually felt attached, I was actually excited of this pregnancy. I felt guilty and sinful...maybe God was trying to say that I should be careful for what I wish for because it might, just might come true.

Everyone said that it wasn't meant to be and it wasn't my fault, I know that is true but then, why do I still feel guilty?

The Gathering part 3

What will you get for someone who already has everything?

I'm confused!! This person I'm talking about has everything.
She has money
She has a good job
She owns a house and an expensive car
granted, she's not married but
above all, she can afford practically anything & everything you heart desires.

So, what sort of birthday present would you get?
Oh, did I mention that she is the 1st member of the Joary Clan?
aka the eldest sister?
No? My bad!!

The gathering is this Sunday, Nov 25th. I was thinking of not attending this gathering or in other words, "chicken out"...
No?.. why not!? I'm not so keen to meet the whole clan.

Why am I not keen to meet them? I don't know!??
maybe I'm afraid they'll know my dirty little secret.. Its not That dirty, its just a matter of self integrity. I told one of the elder of this matter and it seems that the elder wants me to make the matter public. I don't feel I should do it. I mean, as long as one of the elder knows, i'll be ok. As I said earlier, if I were to make this matter public, I will lose my self integrity...

Life has taught me that, no matter what you do or say,
NEVER LOSE YOUR SELF INTEGRITY
and I'm planning to do just that. Some might say its not right, after all we are family but, I would rather shut my gap until there is the need to do otherwise...

Does this make me a stubborn person?

Hoo Humm

..Nothing much has change since my last entry.
Life has been quite a challenge lately and I don't know why..
I'm scared to face what lay ahead, afraid to see what tomorrow brings..

'Scared'(?) is that the right description of what I'm feeling??
I could use 'anxious' or.... I'm lost for words!!!

For the first time in my life, I cant describe this feeling I have inside!!.
I feel I need to protect my family, my girls especially from whatever that is
out there. I wish I knew what's bothering me.. Everything seems wrong lately.
I'm sure my spouse is not doing anything "funny" behind my back because, at the end of the day, i read his phone messages (sms...hahhaahhhaaa....) so, what could this feelings be??!!!......

You don't get what I'm trying to say, huh?!?!...
I wish I could talk about this to someone, but how do I say it? How do I put in words this feelings I have so that people could actually understand what I'm trying to tell them.

I'm Ok , really

Heyy...what have you been up to since i'm gone?
anything interesting? hahaa... i knew you didn't do much.
Just waiting for me to post some entry on the blog, huh?? haahaa...

I'm fine. The nausea is almost gone now, ALMOST!!
I still throw up once in awhile, depending on the situation.
As you can see, I'm at my 10weeks, that means almost 3mths,
which means the First Difficult Trimester is almost over. Yayy for me!!!

We are suppose to move to a new house sometime in January 2008, but I haven't
started packing anything. I was hoping to start packing as soon as my First Trimester ends but, I should start earlier, right?

I didn't tell you that we are moving, did I? ooppss, my bad!!
We are moving to a house, double storey with a small garden and a small garage... yayy!!!
I really like this house, even if it's not our real house but, a house nonetheless.
The girls have a place to run around and ride their bicycle. Not far from the house, about a few meters away, there's a playground perfect for my girls, which is another plus point for this residence area. I was also told that there is a good kindergarten within this area. They teach the basic teaching of Islam (for children) English, a little of Math, music..the whole package. I wonder if my girls will be happy at that school? But no worries, they are still too young for school. I still have 3-4 years (give and take) before they are ready for serious social interaction.

Yesterday, I received a phone call from a very-very close friend. She wanted to know how I am. Yes, you are right! She read this blog and wanted to congratulate on my pregnancy. Strange though, she didn't sound happy. She actually sound sad. Did my last entry made her cry? Was it really sad?... I'm sorry if I made you cry and sad. I didn't mean it to sound sad even though I was sad at that point of time but, hmm... it must my writing then. My writing must be very good that it leaves an impact to anyone who reads it!!?? Hahhaaaahaaaa!!!! It's not everyday you get to boast and proud of it!

So, this is my entry for now. I need to go and be a mother. One of them are awake and I need to put her back to sleep..

Adios amigos

Confession or Conversation?

Heyy!!...I'm sorry for neglecting you its just...
ok, i'll be straight with you. I have a crucial piece of
information to share with you.
Somehow, i think you already know what i'm about to tell you.

I am pregnant. 8 weeks yesterday, to be exact.
I will be 36 years old (come September) on due date and
this is my 3rd pregnancy.

I should be happy, right? Not everyone can be pregnant...

Dont get me wrong, its not that I am not thankful but its the
experience of being pregnant for the whole 9mths and 10days that frightens me..
..the puking and nausea a.k.a morning sickness
..the sleepless nights
..the back pains

D&C? The option did cross my mind.
That was the hardest decision I had to make.. I cried for days not knowing what to decide. Pros and cons, you name it, i thought of it.
At the end of the day, I was not strong enough to make that final call, that final decision... Then, in my hours of desperation and self loathing, my husband pointed out one unique 'point'. He said Allah has given us rezeki @ blessing,miracle who are we to say no to Allah?
It is not our work to decide who should live and who shouldn't?
God works in mysterious ways.. there must be a blessing behind this. We just have to be strong and believe in Allah

You know he is right!?
I am sorry Joary, you must think that I am weak... I hope you can understand my decision and not judge me. We have been together all these years..

"WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD NEO"

Assalamualaikum, Joary

This past weeks I've been thinking a lot about a friend of mine.
Wondering on how she is, if she's alright and of her children, are they safe.
She is one of hundreds of women who are a victim of domestic violence...

Domestic Violence.. sounds deadly, huh!!!

I do not really know how long she has been through this, but I have a feeling it has been a few "hundred" years. We've known each other since we were in college, back in the 90s. Back then, there were 5 of us, always in groups. Wherever we were, whatever we do, we were always in 5s. So you can imagine how close we are...She has always been a good judge of character, the best. But i suppose we are humans and no humans are perfect. We have all made bad decisions in our life its just some are a bit lucky...

The problem is, you think you know your partner well, but in truth you have no clue what so ever! and that, people are the scariest part. Everything is beautiful for the first 5 years of your marriage, with babies adding to your family but after 10 years down the line, the scenario seems a little different, a little darker and sinister. You never see it coming only you seem to sensed it..something is not quite right.

What do you do? Hope for the best?! and pray that nothing happens?
What if it does happen?

That is what happened to my friend!!! She confronted of course, but sometime people just do not want to face reality and because of that, she has become a victim of domestic violence...

That doesn't sound fair, does it? No one said life is fair!!! but, there is hope down the road you just have to walk that path and face whatever life have in store for you. That is my mother's mantra!! She has seen it all, believe me, she has! *smile*

I suppose I can never understand what goes through my friends' mind when she got beaten.. I can only imagine.. I wish I could help her more but one can only do so much, right? She knows I'm always here to listen and help in any way I can... One good thing though, she is a working mom. She has her work to run to whenever things at home turns bad and she has her children to keep her sane.

Life is strange don't you think? You see other people has a picture perfect life with good jobs, nice little house with gardens, beautiful children running but beneath it all, it is not as perfect. I find that a little disturbing.

Women have always been treated badly, is it because we are mentally stronger that men? Where is the justice in that?

If you think your marriage sucks, look at the bright side, at least you are not a victim of Domestic Violence...

Bad Karma Good Karma

I have a confession....
NOTHING excites me ANYMORE!!!!!
Nothing!! in its true sense!!
Nothing what so ever.. I find this a very scary predicament,
Dont you?

I am the kind of person who gets excited easily. Every little thing excites me!! for example, going window shopping, it use to excite the hell out of me
but not anymore, why do you think?
Even the Avon pamphlet doesn't excite me!!
I have always gone crazy over Avon pamphlets!!!

I find life very predictable..cause & effects..
If you do A, the effect is B... predictable, yes?
Maybe as you grow older, nothing excites you anymore.
I wonder if thats true?!!

Now I understand why women my age (or there abouts) have affairs with boys
half their age.
They hunger for a little excitement, that's all.
Its just a fling, one time kinda thing/experience..and because of this search for excitement, people tend to say bad things behind you...

Dont get me wrong, I'm not saying all women are sluts. There are many of us out there who are contend with their life. Satisfied with their achievements. For them, I salute you!!.. I envy you, i really do!!

A friend of mine pointed out one issue.. It was on my birthday, she asked, "Have you done/achieved everything that you said you'll do by the age 35 or have you put everything on hold because of your so-called commitment?"

Damn!!! that is a bloody good question!!! and you know what, till today i still couldn't answer her...

All this years, I have always seen myself as a person who has "Done that-Seen that" but after days of pondering and trying find the answer to her question, i actually haven't done much & haven't seen much.

U know what, her question actually "woke" me up!!!
This must be why I'm in this condition...

I don't blame her, she's right.
I wonder if she has achieved anything?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!

Yes people!!! Today, September the 18th,
35 years ago, I was born..

So, let's celebrate this wonderful and beautiful day
and be merry!! No sad feelings today, ok!!

Looking back the years...

Hola ... i'm back, once again to fill you in with my
musings...

This past few days have been nostalgic for me. I was over at the
clans the other day. There on the table for public viewing was the clans' album
..family album..pictures from the 'old days'.. I must say, i look
pretty good, then!!...what caught my attention was pictures from my early 20s...

Looking back at those pictures, how different i was. The happy moments, the sad incidents, many bad decisions that i made..everything reflected on those pictures only, no one knew except me...

Those eyes, sad sparkling eyes.. if you look carefully it will tell you a million stories, be it sad or happy...

The smile, it can hide a million sadness and pain that the heart endures

but not the eyes!!!

It is true, THE EYES IN THE WINDOW TO YOUR SOUL...

Those were sad years for me. It made me who i am today...
Would i change anything of those years if i were given the chance?
I don't know..

But it is tempting, huh!? to change any particular incident at any point of time in you life...

What would i change? hmmmm????.....

Feeling like Eeyore (one of Pooh Bear's friend..)

It has been awhile, huh??
i'M SORRY...

this past few days i have been "flicking"
one blog after another..trying to find something
interesting to talk about...

yes, i have made a few experimental changes here and there,
i hope you enjoy it...

I will be back to my old self, i hope(!??)

It’s Friday, 31st August 2007
MERDEKA MERDEKA MERDEKA

Today we celebrate our Independence Day!!!; taken from the movie Independence Day.

What does Independence Day mean to you?... Our forefathers, they understood the true meaning & the struggle for our Independence. They suffered a lot. Honestly, we would never really understand the pain that they had gone through. I’m being very patriotic today, sorry… but please bare with me.. for a few more minutes….

So, what does Independence Day mean to you?
I had this question ringing in my head the whole day today, scary actually!!. Today I started the day with watching the parade on the telly. It used to be fun watching the parade. but not anymore. Maybe it’s because I did not watch the parade with the old man aka my father… It was fun watching with him. When I was younger, I would wake up early just to watch it with him. I love the way he comments the costume, uniform that those people wore during the parade. He had such colorful comments!!! He would tell us stories of the moment when he had to hide from the bad people… I missed those moments. As I always say, Nothing is Too Trivial…

Many of us can never really answer this question. I don’t blame you. So, let us
re-construct the question..shall we?

What does FREEDOM mean to you?
What’s it worth?
What would you do to get your Freedom?
What would you sacrifice to preserve the Freedom that you have fought so hard so that your children, and your childrens’ children would not suffer like you did?

There is this article I read about William Wallace, yes, the guy from Braveheart, Mel Gibson..
Following the trial, on 23 August 1305, Wallace was taken from the hall, stripped naked and dragged through the city at the heels of a horse to Smooth Field. He was drawn, hanged and quartered — strangled by hanging but released while still alive, emasculated, eviscerated and his bowels burnt before him, beheaded, then cut into four parts — at the Elms in Smithfield. His preserved head was placed on a pike atop London Bridge. It was later joined by the heads of his brother, John, and Simon Fraser. His limbs were displayed, separately, in Newcastle, Berwick, Stirling, and Aberdeen.

I don’t think I’m strong enough.. must be scary for him. He must have suffered, BIG TIME!!!
But think.. he stood his ground.. Protecting his belief, preserving it at whatever cause.. Could we be like him?
Could I be like him? Protecting my belief at whatever cause? Just think, what would become of us if we give up whatever little hope we have for that one instance?
We would not be here…

NOTHING IS TOO TRIVIAL

TO FREEDOM…

Video (?)

..I'm trying out this new feature. Can u open the file?
If you can, do you hear the background music? it's Enrique's
new song....

Big girls Don't Cry

Ahh Friday... i love Fridays.. don't you?
before that, have you heard this song,
Big girls Don't Cry, by Fergie?
It's a beautiful and sad song...

So, back to Fridays...
at the end of the day, I get really tired up to a point of
exhaustion...(did i spell it right?)
maybe because the week is slowly coming to an end (?) or
maybe because I've been working really hard during the day? ...
somehow, that sounds funny!!!!

But seriously, it has been a long week for me..
a lot has happened, good and bad.
I have made some Wise decisions and some NOT so wise.
its a risk you have to make, right? this DECISION MAKING thingy.. (?)
People may not agree with the decisions that you make but, they have to accept it.
Some will try to persuade you to change the decision to their benefit and some...
some will just keep quite and nod to you as if trying to say that they understand why you made such decision... am i making any sense? I'm talking in circle, huh?
Its because it has been a really tough week for me...

News flash!! ...
I will be 35 years old this coming September, and I think I need to do a medical check-up... aarrgghh!!!.. that is scary!!! I just found out that a clan member was just diagnosed with High Cholesterol,and she is only 40...

What about me?

I'm sure the doctors will have a field day!!! They will find all sorts of sickness on me...from my bones and all the way down to my DNA and blood structures!!!!

yes!! I'm afraid of hospitals!!

I'm not afraid of needles and blood, hell! I gave birth the traditional way!!
..its the smell, the hospital smell, you know, THE SMELL.. the medicine, the disinfectant solutions..

And the NURSES... Especially the nurses..the women in white, they scare me!!!
If they smile at you, that means, they have the answers as to why you are there.. now, doesn't that scare you??!!!! aarrggghhh!!!!!

Tomorrow there will be a gathering of the clan...
Should I make myself available?
They DEFINITELY will want my explanation on the decision that I made...

What should I do? What should I do?

I am Proud to be MALAYSIAN

I have an interesting story to tell you.

It happened yesterday at a restaurant.
It was in the afternoon, I went to buy lunch for the family..(I can’t be bothered to cook… *smile*) anyway, while I was looking thru the variety of food and choices that I had to make, there’s this beautiful Chinese lady (I think she’s my age. bummer..) she started a conversation with me..(must be because of my child smiling at her.. I think)

Hai!! You selalu beli lauk sini ke?

Ada jugak..

Berapa umur anak you?

Baru 2 setengah..*senyum sopan*

Clever girl..

You pernah try rendang ayam dia? *sambil menceduk beberapa ketul ayam*

At this time, she was practically drooling at the food… hahaa!!!!..
Mind you, the food do look tasty, with all the spices…lovely!!..

This is the best rendang ayam I’ve ever had!!

Nampak pun sedap (I answered)

Semua lauk kedai ni, I suka!! Kalau datang lagi awal, lagi banyak choices kita.

Anyway, its not that expensive..

She reminds me off a Nyonya Melaka.. they love spicy foods…
don’t you just love them?
Especially the older generation of Baba Nyonya.. they can really swear!!!

I miss Melaka!!!
I studied there for 3 and a half years.
It was the best years of my life!!!

This particular incident reminds me of a friend, also a Chinese, from Penang.
He eats everything!! Especially spicy foods!
His favourite, curry!! Fish curry!!
Mind you, Malaysian curry is not the same as the curry you find in other places…
Malaysian curry has the aroma off all the authentic spices…aahh!!! Lovely!!!
It is really spicy!!!

I am proud to be a MALAYSIAN…… we share everything!!! food, movies everything…

p/s note to fellow Malaysian;

Sivaji, the Boss, amacam? berani?

Do you know what it feels like....?

do you know what its feels like
loving someone that's in a rush
to throw you away?..

do you know what its feels like
to be the last one to know the lock
on the door has changed?..


don't you just love Enrique Iglesias?? yummyy.....

www.enriqueiglesias.com

I was away recently, for a short holiday (sort of). It was pleasant… actually it was mentally exhausting. I am mentally exhausted with my surroundings.. I know the world doesn’t revolve around me but… it would be fun if it does, even if it is only for one day, don’t you think??

First story…

Last Sunday, a clan member had a “goodbye” reception for their condo. They are renting it out and the new tenants are settling in on Monday. I was told that the place was a beauty!. It had a swimming pool, the condo was really big, it was more like a “holiday” condo rather than a “living” condo. I wasn’t around to attend the reception; I received a phone call from one of the clan member telling me how unfortunate I was for not attending… My mother taught us to be supportive to one another but, there are things and times when I just wish that they would leave me alone… Yes, I do feel inferior whenever I’m around them. You know why, because we don’t make as much money per year as them!!! Of course they will say, its not about the money & they want to share their happiness with everyone but at the end of the day, it is always about the money… ALWAYS!!!

Second story…

Where should I start??....hmmm…????....

My baby was ill, very ill, for weeks. We when to 3 different doctors but she’s still ill. Not only that, she throws tantrums now!! I know they say when the child reaches 2 years old; they will develop a condition known as Terrible Two.. but this has gone too far!!!.. Now, whenever my husband gets angry of her, he blames it on me… me!!!... Every little thing he blames it on me…

Is it my fault if she doesn’t want to eat?

Is it my fault if for no apparent reason, she cries?

Is it my fault if she doesn’t want to take her medications?

Is it my fault if I can’t understand what she wants?

I am human too…

I am mentally exhausted… I’m so tired of all this!! I wish I can make it all go away and I could be that happy person I was before…There are times that I wish that I could go away and leave everything behind….

Do I need to see a Shrink?

What can I say? I’m sure by today, the whole clan knows what happened to me last Saturday. I had a nervous breakdown!! For the 1^st time in my life, and my parents witnessed it all.

After 30plus years, the clan at last knows that, I too can go crazy. All this while, I have kept everything to myself. My anger, my hurt, my frustrations, my happiness, everything. I read somewhere a long time ago, that bottling your problems/frustrations etc is not healthy, it does things to you. That is SO true…

I really do not what made me snapped. I could blame it on my hormones or my cycle, like all female. yes, if you notice, we females prefer to blame everything on our hormones. It’s easier, safer and we do not have to take any responsibilities on our actions. *smile*

When I think back on that day, it scares me.. you know why, because at that point of time, I felt like running away and F*&%@ everything else!!!.. and I almost did!!!

……I’m still waiting that one phone call from the clan asking how I am…..

********************************

I’m in pain today, dreadfully painful.. it’s tough being a woman. You have to endure a lot of pain and at the same time pretend that it doesn’t hurt.

Well, newsflash! It hurts! A lot!

And the things that comes out of your body, its gorish! (if there is such a word!!) I can understand why we women need to apply makeup, it is to cover up the paleness on our face due to the dreadful pain that we are enduring. Notice I’m using the word dreadful one to many times? Because I am SO in pain.

So man, be grateful!!!

Adios for now, I need to lay down…

TV after 10

Do you have problems trying to stay awake just
to watch your favorite tv programme every week?

I DO!!

It always happens on Wednesdays!! The programme starts at
10.45pm, and always, every time, without fail..

I will be very sleepy at that particular time.. can't even open my eyes!!!
BUMMER!!!! DOUBLE BUMMER!!!...

yes, they do have repeat but, its on a SUNDAY AFTERNOON!!!,
And usually its difficult to fight for that time slot when everyone is home...

what to do? what to do?...

Looks like theres going to be another fight this Sunday afternoon...

p/s... have you ever met anyone, an adult, who doesn't know how to peel
a BANANA?
I just met someone like that!!!
shocking? yes?!!!
...and you think you know the person well!!???

Why do you do this to me?

It has been almost 10days since my last musings. I’m sorry.. I know its not an excuse but I’ve been really occupied. Some may think that what I do is trivial but Nothing is Trivial!

A few days back my agent (an insurance agent) called me up. It has been awhile since she called me, a year actually. Shouldn’t agents call you up often? Even if its just a social call? Hmmm???!!!… anyway, she was surprised when she knew that I’m no longer working, a stay-at-home mother.. Maybe I didn’t tell her.. Maybe she should have called me more often!!!..

I was quite offended when she said “Why?”

She could have asked, “How’s the children”, “How’s life”, “Did anything interesting recently?” or at least fill me in with the latest gossip.

No! she didn’t do any of that.

Do you know the feeling of a bad after-taste that lingers in your tongue? That was how I felt after talking to her.

Did I do something wrong by NOT working?
Everybody seems to think so ...?

I shouldn’t have picked up the phone!!!!.....
I have to be more careful after this.

in Denial

A friend of ours got married today. He is more than just a friend, he has become some sort of a brother for Anuar (my other half aka my husband). I understand that the wedding when well, family friends attended, lots of Anuar’s friends also attended the reception. I think the ceremony is his excuse to meet some old buddies (!!!??). No, I did not attend the reception because my baby still has the measles. She’s almost cured by the way. The measles are virtually gone (yayy!! For me!!!..)

Anyway, back to this friend…

For your info, Anuar is not the gossiping type (bummer!!) so, it’s a bit difficult to get any juicy story out of him. You have to ask the right questions, at the right time. And if you are lucky, you’ll get the juiciest story ever!!! That was what I did. I asked the right questions at the right time and I got the juiciest story ever for the year 2007 (..so far anyway)!!!!!

I was told that the groom’s EX-girlfriend came to the reception with a guy (u did not hear this from me!!..) and it seems that, some of his old and very close friends do not fancy this particular girl. She’s bad influence (very bad) on him or something. To make the story more juicy, she is his First serious girlfriend!!! How I wish I was there!!..*a very wide smile*

It is juicy if the EX came to the wedding, don’t you think?

Especially if you are the reason behind it...

I think she just wants all her friends (who attended) the wedding to know that she was the first…

I think she wants to show everyone that she is better off without him.

I think she still wants him.

I think she wants everyone to say “why in gods name did he let her go? She still got it!!”

I think she’s living in denial.

I think I’m a bad person…

Did you attend your FIRST boyfriend’s (or any of your many serious boyfriend’s) wedding? Don’t know anyone that has …

Me? I’m old school…

Measles

3 cheers for me! Hip hip horayy!! I am so proud of myself today.

This is how the story goes…

My baby caught the measles.. it looks really red on her. She started with having high fever 2 weeks earlier for almost 4 days. In the beginning we thought she might have caught the flu from her sister.. There were so many speculations about her illness, some said the illness was due to the heat wave that we are experiencing for the past weeks and some said that there is a wabak demam selsema & demam panas attacking the children. I was so afraid!!, On the 3^rd day, when her fever was still fluctuating, we took her to the clinic. She gave us the normal medication for fever, you know paracetamol, something for her coughing and something for her flu…during this ordeal, she also developed what I thought was a rash.. Children/baby could easily develop rashes in this hot humid weather.

On the 4^th day, which was a Sunday, I noticed her rashes has spread around her private parts and some at her thighs. When I looked closely, I suspect it was the measles. That same evening, we took her again to the clinic. The doctor said it wasn’t measles!! I could have sworn it was!!! Stupid doctor!! Anyway, the next day her measles have spread around her face. I went to see the matriarch aka my mother and she confirmed it.. IT IS the measles!! I panicked!! I have never done this before!! When my 1^st child caught the measles, she was under the care of the In-Laws. So I wasn’t directly involved in taking care of her. But now, I need to do this by myself.

This is the scariest experience!!

The In-Laws gave me some tips on taking care of babies with measles, which helps a lot, thank you. And today, the spots on her face are almost gone (almost completely gone). There are still some on her hands, tummy and on her back. They say when the spots are moving towards the leg, it is almost cured… The spots are not as RED and garang as it was on Sunday so I think I have a few more days before it is completely gone. I give it until this weekend…

I still could not believe myself that I could actually take care of a sick child, a baby in this case!! I always thought that if anything happens, I could just pass my problems to someone else. Let them take care of it!!!... come to think of it, I still do it from time to time….

There is lesson to be learned behind this illness, that Allah gave to my baby. I guess Allah wants me to grow up, take charge of my life. To be tough to face the cruel world outside and not hide inside the safety of my home. Yes, I have been hiding all my life and now it is time to face the real world.

The question now is, are u sure I am ready?

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Ive decided today that I cant be the SUPERWOMEN.
Its too challenging.
I feel pressured....

I'm sorry, you just have to accept me as it is...
I've tried my best!

A Lesson behind the Story

Have you ever watched children programme?

I’m sure everyone enjoys it every now and then, more if you have children around that age group. Have any of you watched MICKEY MOUSE CLUBHOUSE? It’s actually a good programme for pre-schoolers and even younger group. My 2year (2yr 5mths this coming July) old girl loves this programme. Her younger sister, 10mths old also happens to enjoy watching this programme with her sister. Amazing how the young mind works, huh? She actually understands Mickey!! And not only that, she would laugh out loud if she sees Donald speak!! Today, she surprised me when she could call out ALL of the MICKEY MOUSE CLUBHOUSE friends; Donald, Daisy, Minnie, Goofy, Pluto and of course Mickey (the hero). I was so impressed!!

The other programme that she loves SO MUCH is THE LITTLE EINSTEIN. I too enjoy this programme (it’s the rocket..trust me!!) This programme teaches the children about appreciating art, music, musical instruments and singing. The music they teach are classical music like Mozart, Bach, Tchaikovsky (did I spell it right?).

Impressive, huh? It is, isn’t it!!

Now, the younger sister.. well, she’s different.. She not only enjoys these two programmes with her elder sister, she also happens to enjoy JOHNNY AND THE SPRITES. Whenever the show is on, she would “run” right in front of the telly and SMILE, I mean, literally SMILE or screams as if calling him whenever she sees Johnny!! Now, isn’t that scary??...Have I told you that that she’s 10 months old? I have, huh??!!

Ahh!!! My girls.. my beautiful, active girls.

Moral of the story, Do not think that young children, I mean REALLY young children do not understand.. They do!! More than you think!!

Remember…

To Call or Not to Call ???

I like to think that I am a good daughter
but somehow the other Joarys beat me to it.
I, somehow always end up being the stubborn one.
I wonder why. Is it because I never to see
eye to eye with the clansmen or is it because of something else?

So, as a "good" daughter, I would give the matriarch a call every
other day. Just to ask her how she is, is she eating well, what
are her plans for the day..(now, isn't that what a good daughter should do?).

At the end of every conversation
(well, most of my conversations with her anyway),
the matriarch would give some advice.
Some I find useful and some...cant find the words for it!

Why is it, good advice are hard to come by?
Is it because, we choose who we want to listen to?
Whatever happens to Instinct? Inner-self? Follow what your heart says?

You know, the thing about mothers is their advice ARE REAL
and it slaps right at your face.
And because of that cruel reality fact, we choose not to listen to them.

Allah has made mothers like that; Tough, Cunning and Beautiful.

And so my question is this, should I call my mother tomorrow?

Do you Read?

Today I cleared some old (and not so old) photographs from the shelves, I came across a book. A Fiction. A book by Anne Rice. Have you read any of her books? She is famous for her INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE, movie adapted from the same book. You know, the movie that has Brad Pit, Tom Cruise, Antonio Banderas and that girl from Spiderman.. I love her books. Its different. She is different from all the other writers. I guess that is what you get when your living in New Orleans, huh?? She sometimes scares me. Her words, she is one imaginative and intense women…

Anyway, back to the book…

When I flip through the book, I noticed that I’ve only read up to chapter 3.. huaahuuaa… I have never not finish any of Anne Rice’s’ books. I will always finish her book. I guess family and other commitments stalled me… but that is no excuse, right?

I love reading (but not school books, wonder why..??...) The first serious book that I read was when I was 17 after my SPM (equivalent to O Levels). One of the Joary finished her Law degree in the UK and she brought back some books. Since I have nothing better to do other than annoying my parents, I picked up this book and started reading. It was a classical novel, you know the thick bind books, it was called CARMEN. The author was some guy, dead for centuries.. and the shocking thing was, I actually finished it. The thick book. Yes, I do have to reread some of it because I didn’t understand the “Shakespearean” language, but I was really proud of myself!!!.

Years after that, I continued my reading hobby. Another achievement that I was proud of, when I finished reading AS CROW FLIES by Jeffrey Archer. That was one of the most satisfying, inspirational reading I’ve ever experienced. I was so happy, satisfied and proud. I was 18 when I finished that book.

Looking back, I feel inspired and the need to re new my age old hobby, that is reading.

Don’t you agree?

Another day in Paradise (?!!)

AAhh.. another day spent with the clansmen (mostly women..)

I must say, all went well..
Everyone was ‘pleasant’…wrong choice of word, huh!!?? But, its true
No juicy gossip to tell, sorry.. maybe next time

My new toy.. LENOVO3000 Y400.. I'm SO in Love with it!!!!

It has all the basic functions of a laptop with Intel Centrino Dual Core 1.86Ghz,120GB Sata, 512MB, DDR2, 128MB Intel Display Card, 14.1 Tft Screen

Sounds fancy doesn’t it? I know!!...... huaahaahuuaaa….

I'm so ANGRY

There is so much anger in me and I REALLY need to
vet all this anger somewhere....

Dont you just hate it when people dont appreciate what
you do?

Dont you just hate it when people start putting words in your mouth?

Dont you just hate it when people say that they actually understand you when the truth is, the dont have a freaking clue?

aarrgghhh!!!! I'm so angry with these people!!!!

I should tell these people off!!!
But I dont like confrontation (!!??)
I think im going to get her (my ego) help me out. Wouldnt that be fun..

LENOVO3000 Y400

CITIZEN CELEBRATES FIRST POSTING FROM
THE NEW TOY AKA MY NEW LAPTOP

hhuuuaahhaaahaaa.....

The animal instinct in me..

Aahh!!! rain...What a beautiful phenomenon.

Ironic isn't it? The rain can be your friend
or your worst enemy. Today, the rain is my
friend. What i love most about the rain is
that it actually does the work of cleaning
the earth, the ground that we walk on. It
washes up the clogged drain, it also gives life back
to the withered plants, plants that are waiting to fall off..
Another thing i love about the rain is the
smell..have you ever noticed that there is a
smell when the rain stops?.. Yes, the smell
of freshness followed by the cool breeze...
aahh!!! isn't Allah's creation beautiful?

It was raining heavily today, in the late
afternoon. The girls were sound asleep. At
last, quality time for myself. I made a good
cuppa coffee (nescafe actually) and sat by
the window enjoying the rain and all its
glory when suddenly, i felt the hair at the
back of my neck stood up. My head
automatically turned to look at the girls and
there she was, standing in her crib, staring
intensely at me, evaluating, calculating,
waiting for my next move. The atmosphere
turned hush. I could feel the breeze from the
window blowing to my ears.. Amazing!!

What should i do? What would be the wisest
thing to do? At that instance, my ego and
myself was having the biggest fight ever!! My
ego wants me to continue enjoying my coffee
alone but the "animal instinct" in me wants
me to go to her and pick her up and enjoy the
weather together..

It is sometimes hard to be a good mother.
Are you strong enough?

..I've been staring at my blog for 1 1/2hrs.

I feel the need to express myself but i just do not know where to start.
My mind,body and soul have been very busy this past days and I'm actually very tired!!
Tired to the extend that my brain actually freezes up!!!

Life have been the same for the past year.

I should be grateful, right?

Then why is it that i feel the need for something new?

I need a holiday

Biru kah mata Hitam Ku?

Apa ada pada mata?

Ya, anak gadis saya mempunyai sepasang anak mata yang cantik,
lain dari yang lain, tapi jangan hukum kami begini..

Mula-mula tu bangga bila masyarakat tegur
"eh eh, cantik nya mata anak you.." "mix ke?" tapi after 9 months later,
it becomes annoying!!!

Mula-mula mereka puji mata, after that bila mereka nampak kami, the parents, mereka akan tanya "macamana mata dia boleh jadi macam nie?" nak je jawab, "apasal?!! tak boleh!!?? kenapa? we cant have a beautiful baby ke?" Then, yang lebih berani, akan bertanya
"Kacukan ke dia?" dan akan memandang kami dengan penuh sinis!!!??? f*%& betullah!!!

Bertambah-tambah hampeh nyer bila they start comparing the sister.."oh, ini kakak dia(!??)" and you can see air muka mereka berubah sikit macam, eh?!, kakak dia biasa jerr.. tak ke rasa macam nak tampar jerr mereka nih!!!

YES!!! i am angry at those people!!!....

Usually, kita biasa tengok orang mata cokelat cair, atau yang setaraf dengan orang Malaysia, and I agree that my baby's eyes are gray!!! very rare for a Malaysian... (alhamdulillah actually, sbb baby girl cantik), but please!!!.

Boleh tengok BUT NO TOUCHING AND NO PICTURES!!!!

Gathering of the Elders aka The Wedding part 2

Ho la!!

Hah!!! what a day!!! Its been a hot day and
the air-condition is not working. I think its
the batteries, its been awhile
actually..hahahhaaa..silly old me!!

I went to my cousin's wedding last weekend. It
was fun!! The food was excellent,
the crowd was great (understatement of the year..),
the girls behave themselves,
except for a few set-back but nothing that we
can't handle.

As I predicted, EVERYBODY was there. From
both sides of the world which inlcude the
full-blooded, the half-blooded and those
related by marriage!! YES, even the rich
auntie/uncle was there.. the cousins where
there. Everyone you can think of!!!
In another words, it was the GATHERING OF THE ELDERS
hhmmmhmmmmm (tak boleh gelak kuat-kuat)

I was there representing the JOARY clan,
wuhoo for me!! (I'm so proud of myself! I
think?) The matriarch of the JOARY clan made
herself available for that day, wuhoo for her too(!!??)
I cant comment much on this subject, it wont be nice..

But what i really want to cerita is, there
was this 3 "little" ladies, checking out the
Main Table!! You don't check out the Main
Table!! OK, maybe you just jeling-jeling lauk
pengantin,
but you don't stand in front of the Main Table looking and
commenting on the
food!!! What the *&^^!! OK, maybe they use
to cook for other peoples' wedding, but that
doesn't give them the right to comment on the
food...Those ladies deserves to be
gossiped!!!

Clansmen (and women)!!! can't live with them, can't live without them!!!

Who was at the same table as me? The JOARY
clan of course!!!


Adios!!!

A conversation with Joary, the Alter ego

~It's just you and me now..

~What would you like to do on this
fine afternoon? The girls are asleep,
their father is busy with the tele.

~Would like to go out and have a cup of coffee
or pekena teh tarik? and at the same time, we
can get more acquinted? What do you say?

.... hmm!!! tempting....give me a minute.

A beautiful Friday afternoon

Ahh!!... Friday afternoon.. don't you just
love Friday afternoons?.... There's just
something about Friday afternoon.. do u feel
it? if feels magical doesn't it?..I've always
loved Friday afternoons, ever since my school

days.

For me, Friday afternoon is like waiting for something
special to happen at a precise time. Do you know the feeling of
getting ready to go away for the weekend leaving everything
behind, and your just waiting for your ride?.
That is what Friday afternoon is like...

Or perhaps its because tomorrow is a

Saturday(?). Some people do work on
Saturdays.. but not me!!! i "work" 24-7,
365days...

Oh no!!!I've just realise something... i have
no social life!! bummer!!! No, calling your
sister on the phone or having breakfast with
the whole clan is NOT a social event!!! it
almost feels like a duty.. double bummer!!!!

So much for the magical Friday afternoon,
huh!!??...oh well!!, got to go and do the
laundry, the girls are asleep, i can do the
laundry peacefully..

Oya zumi...

p/s.. my cousin's wedding reception is this weekend, i'll
fill you in with the juicy details...

The Wedding

My cousin is getting married 2wks from now. This should be fun.
You know why?

EVERYBODY will be there, the whole JOARY Clan..both full
blooded & half blooded..!! Exciting!! & scary!!! you'll never
know what will happen.muuaahhaaahhaaa!!! I'm so bad!!
Don't you just love family reunions? it brings out the best (and
not.. haahaa..) out of you. This is the time where you get to
meet your eccentric uncles (or aunties), your successful other
cousins that your mother have been telling you all these years,
whom you have been trying to avoid ever since you've entered
college.. Your rich uncles (or aunties) and their children, and
whenever you see them, you get so annoyed because they have
everything, money, good job (because of their father's
connection I'm sure!!), good looking husband (damn!!)..and not
to forget, the cousin that you had a crush on when you were 16,
how un good looking he has become now or how beautiful his wife
turn out to be.. now that's a shocker!!!

What about the JOARY family, us full-blooded JOARY, look at
what we have become!!!.. feel free to look at them but please
don't look at me!! i am more of a black-sheep of the family..
degil, tak pernah ikut cakap, asyik layan kepala sendiri, the
one who doesn't give a damn who rules the country, the fat one..
u know!!??

My extended family will always remember me as the cry baby (i
used to cry a lot when i was a child, because of that people
have left me alone.. pheww!! what a relief!!!), the one who did
not continue her studies overseas, the unsuccessful one but
best of all, the quiet one!! haahaa can u believe that?? me,
quiet!!??? i guess i am, i don't talk with people that i find
merimaskan. My ego taught me that, speak when only spoken to..
But I'm quite happy with myself & my achievements, whatever
that is...

THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN, the wedding!!! haahhaahaaa!!! and I
have not touched the subject on cloths yet.. who is going to
wear what.. mind u, the wedding reception is going to be in a
hall, about 300 guests max.. you get to witness the theme,
caterer, the whole charade and when that is done, the next
question that usually will come up is, "Who is their wedding
planner" Have you ever noticed that the only people/person who
has the balls to ask this particular question is your bi*t**y
aunt or cousin who probably inherits it from her mother....
please don't put me at the same table with her...

Putting all that a side, i think its going to be fun!!!

hahaahaahaaaa!!!!

ahh choo!!! (finale)

G'day....
I'm cured!!!! my flu is gone!!!....
hhaahhaaa!!!!......

ahh choo!!! (pt 1)

It has been 1 week since my last musings.. i have a lot to say but i just don't know where to start... the weather here has been REALLY hot, i have caught the flu.. ahh!!! don't u just hate it!!! there is a Japanese anime on telly in a few minutes.. i need to watch that, I'll continue later... ahhh choo!!!!.... where's that tissue??!!??!!???.... excuse me!!

Nothing is too trivial huh??!!

I found out something trivial today. Nothing is too trivial huh??!!

Anyway , I have always been careful as to not let this happen, but it looks like it has happened, in the making anyway. What makes is worst is that, your mother sees it & shes the one who tells it straight to your face...

Saya terlalu manja kan baby sulong saya sehingga terlupa akan baby no 2 saya...I have spoilt my 2yr old baby & it seems that i may have left out my 9mth old baby (my 2nd baby)...

I have tried not to let this happen but it has!! What shall i do?? I suppose its my bad that i promote this to happen its just that, sometimes i feel that i have not given enough to my 2yr old, i needed to give more attention, love, dedication. Somewhere along the way, i may have given less attention to her my 9mths old baby.But the strangest thing though, whenever we went out shopping or sightseeing, i am more protective of my 9mth old baby!. its because she is so beautiful, too beautiful for her age (syukur pada Allah anak sihat & cukup sifatnya)... Its scary! & to think what this world has turn out to be, a lot of perverts & psychos, can u just imagine what it would be like during their time? 20yrs from now? I can only pray, pray that Allah protect them from harm..

Funny thing, before i gave birth to my 2nd baby last year, I decided then that i will stay at home and raise my children myself. I was not going to leave my children to the nursery or anyone for that matter. How hard could it be, right? I can do it! My mother could do it, my in-law could do it, I'm sure i could do it, right? Boy!! was i wrong!!!! Especially when you have to do everything yourself & you do not have any assistance. Syukur that their father do help around, especially during at night & wee-hours in the morning. My eyes could never cooperate during that time...

So what are we going to do to mend this problem??? i don't know. I really don't know.. Like my mother use to say "One day at a time". That is what i will do, try to change one step at a time & hopefully will earn the award SUPERWOMAN OF THE CENTURY...(that is my ego speaking, but she may have a point!!)

One confused cookie

Hola everyone...

So..what shall we talk about today??... hmmm...
Ahh yes, my alter ego!!... what is that anyway??
Is it your sub-conscious manipulating your conscious being
or is it just u being "selective" behaviour. My ex-boss used to say that i have a "selective memory".. not very nice of him, huh!!??... Adik benci dia sejak dalam perut mama lagi!!!

Am i making any sense to any of u? my other half thinks I'm not!!! hahahaaa....

OK....my mind is a bit mixed up...forgive me!!! maybe I'll make more sense next time...

see ya!!! adios amigos!!!

Weekend with Joary

..Assalamualaikum, Good Afternoon,

This is my 1st post so, bare with me sbb tak berapa pandai lagi...
so, whats it like weekend with Joary?... TIDOOOO....

Its a long day... kakak tak berapa sihat, demam, so a bit meragam.. temperature naik turun, sedih sangat tengok. Adik? macam adik.. main sorang diri.. pandai bawak diri

Tahniah!!

sudah berjaya.

p('o')q