Fear

What is your greatest fear?
Have you asked that question to yourself recently?
You should. You'd be surprise of the answer.

As for me, my greatest fear would be that one day people will forget about me. Just like that movie Forever Young (Mel Gibson) Remember the scene when he woke up and the world that he once knew had changed? If it were me, I wouldn't want to wake up in that situation.

I have always had this fear even as a child. I was the quiet one in the family. I tend to cry when I get too frustrated or angry with my sisters. They had always teased me and eventually, I will cry, again... Because of this behavior, I have always kept my feelings, frustrations, anger to myself. I've learn to teach myself that it is safer to stay away from them/people and live in my own "world". No one can hurt me. When my father comes home from work, I will hug him and cry my heart out. He never asked why. He just hold me for a few minutes, and it was enough. More that enough for me...

Where am going with all this, you ask? Well, last Friday my father was admitted again to the hospital. He had a bleeding in the nose and subsequently a low blood pressure. I wanted to visit him but my mother told me not to. She had a good reason, mind you its just that, I felt frustrated, angry, sad and felt being left out despite her good intentions.

I know I'm talking crazy, no parent can forget their child, its just that I'm afraid that since my other sisters can hold an "intelligent" conversation with my father and I can't that my father will somehow, ignore me and over the years will forget that I exist.

I want to share another story with you. This happened when I was very young. I was maybe 5 or 6 years old. I remember it very clearly. My father had to go abroad for 4-5 months (I think) to further his studies, and every night I would cry a lot because I missed him. So what my mother did was, every night she gave me my fathers' shirt that has his distinct smell for me to bring to bed. I've stopped crying since then. Very dramatic, huh?!!.. yes, I know... I wouldnt say that I have always been close to my father, he is 100x much closer to my other sisters but somehow there is that unseen,invisible bond that binds me.

On the day of his operation last month, all of us gathered around his bed before they took him away. My sisters said their good lucks & wishes, showing their smiling faces to my father but me?.. I couldn't hold back my tears. I had to hide my face but when he called me to come nearer, I didn't say anything to him. No good lucks, no wishes just tears, honest and full of love came streaming down my face. The words got stuck at my throat and all I could do was kiss his cheeks.

I can only pray that he wont forget me...

Assalamualaikum people...

I'm back for another round of rantings and musings and whining.. can you handle it?

So the JOARY patriarch aka my father had his major bypass heart surgery on Friday February 29th, an auspicious day for a surgery, huh?!...

I'm sad of his condition...like yesterday, his blood pressure (BP) dropped to an alarming state, the doctors had to add another pint of blood to him. Maybe its the medication, maybe his body is in too much pain, maybe... there's 1001 "maybes".. at the same time, he was having a hard time breathing. The nurses said that its a normal condition...and there's not one thing I can do to help.. I feel so helpless..

I cried and cried and cried.... I want to help him.. I want him to remember me.. I want him not to hate me.. I want him to love me..like when I was a child....

... can we continue this another day?..