Sins of A Women

..People say time heals all wound
I say that's crap!!!

Why am I being so hard on myself, you ask?!
Because its the truth..
Time do not heal all your wounds
it just stays quiet for the right time to
rip you apart, all over again!!!

I never claim to be a good person.
I have done my shares of bad .. things.
and (I think) I have paid my dues..

Then why do this guilt keep re surfing?
Why, this incidents keep haunting me again?
Why do I need to be reminded of the miscarriage?

For the past year (or so), I have lost a very big part of myself
..and I am not talking about my gallstone operation.
And not a day goes by that I do not regret of the
consequences that has fallen onto me.
I almost made THE most wrong decision of my life.
If I had gone trough with it, I don't think (I feel) that I can look at
myself the same way ever again.
I dont think my husband can look at me the same way, ever!!..
.. he'll probably be disgusted..

Abortion it seems, will somehow leaves a psychological affect on to a women.
It is not something to be taken lightly.

But luckily Allah has turned it around.
Fate has turned my story around..
for me, it was a scary predicament..
but it happened anyway.

For the past year (almost),
I have seen people very close to me having babies (3 babies since August '08 and 1 more coming in August '09). And for the past 8 - 9 months, I have been lucky to see them grow up to be
beautiful babies..

And every time I see them, this guilt feeling will crawl up and it makes me want to scream and cry!! ...

Ya Allah, forgive me..