Sayonara

.... 2010 in memory

A rainy December ...

There are many ways of stating the obvious
The end of the year is approaching or
we could also say
The beginning of a new season has arrived.

Which ever way you want to say, the facts remain the same..
it's the middle December and the year is coming to an end.

In my part of the world, rain usually is the indicator that the year is coming to an end. This raining season starts as early as October and lasts for a few months, usually till February or March of next year.
I must confess, I like this time of the year. The grass smells so fresh, the cool wind blowing your face, I feel happy.

..and sad at the same time. Have you ever look at the rain as it pours down outside your window? The flow of the raindrops slowly but surely. The longer you look at it, the deeper you'll fall in your thoughts. This is the time when you actually get to sit, refresh your mind and actually have a conversation with yourself.


As the new year draws in, most people would have resolved their problems by now.
or at least found a solution to the situation.

But in my case
Every December
Everything is at stand still

and I never understood why!!...

Scarborough Fair - the song

When I was very young
must be around 6 yrs or 7 yrs old
I remember listening to this song..

I don't think I know what the song was all about back then
but
It has never failed to make me cry.. I was really curious!

After a while
when I finally understood
I come to realize the essence of the song...

A very very sad love song that has been sung since medieval time...
A true test of love

SCARBOROUGH FAIR
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Remember me to one who lives there
He once was a true love of mine

Tell him to make me a cambric shirt
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Without no seams nor needle work
Then he'll be a true love of mine


Have him wash it in yonder dry well
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Where ne'er a drop of water e'er fell
And then he'll be a true love of mine


Tell him to find me an acre of land
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Between salt water and the sea strands
Then he'll be a true love of mine


Tell him to reap it with a sickle of leather
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
And gather it all in a bunch of heather
Then he'll be a true love of mine


Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Remember me to one who lives there
He once was a true love of mine

The Obsession pt2...

It has been almost 3 years I'm obsessed with
men and music from that side of the globe....

When will I be healed from this obsession?

but honestly, do I really want to be healed?...
hehee!!... NO! not really..

They are men with beautiful skin..to a point of perfection.
They only exist in comic/manga books.
They should not exist in real life
but they do..
they do exist..

Life has a funny sense of humor
..can you see me laughing??

In my World ...

In my World ...
I am a calm, charming yet vindictive person

In my World ...
everyone has an agenda

In my World ...
people accepts me for who I am along
with my imperfections

In my World ...
I do not need to explain or answer to anyone but
myself

In my World ...
sarcasm gets you the Death Penalty

In my World ...
you mean what you say and say what you mean

In my World ...
I drive a Mazda RX8

and

In my World ...
I am surrounded by beautiful men

What a perfect world I live in
How I wish...

MP3 player - shuffle mode

Missing you

One of the hardest thing I have to deal with, is knowing that you are so close...yet so far away...

Technology..

it's amazing what you can do with today's technology...

Lesson in History

Hello, once again...

Again, in my un-conscious state of mind, I was reminded of an incident that
happened to me a few years back.

It has been exactly 2yrs today,
that I had my gallstone operation.
Since that day,
many unforeseen incidents and tragedies has made its mark in my life.

These incidents, I believe happens for a reason.
Everything in life happens for a reason.

But the big question is, what do we learn from all this?
Do we actually understood the hidden message and the mystery
behind each tragedy

or

are we too naive to understand the meaning?
Ironically, I believe that No one is too naive.
In this age and time, is hard to find a simple-minded person.

As for me,
I admit, I have made myself ignorant of all this mystery.
I have kept myself in the dark of the bigger picture.
I still haven't found the rational of my behavior

but

I think
it is because I do not want to think too deep
I do not want to dwell deep into this mysteries...

Thinking too much of an uncertain situation
can be rather consuming...
It consumes a lot of your energy both mind, body and soul

And somehow, I don't like it...

Due to my inability to accept these incidents

History will certainly repeat itself...

one Friday afternoon...

A beautiful song, just wanted to post it here....


Song : First Love
by : Utada Hikaru







Song : Positive
by : Breakerz

4 months later ...

wow!! dusty!!!...
has it been THAT long since I last came here?...
my oh my!!
I would usually come up with an excuse for the absence but it seems
lately
I could not find any....

I discovered something quite interesting about myself the other day...

hahaaaa!!!... its really kind of funny, if you think of it that way...

When I was growing up, I realised that I am a forgiving person.
Always giving the other person the benefit of the doubt.
Often friends would come to me for a second opinion.

However,
I do realise that, on occasions, I may not be as forgiving.
I also come to realise that, when I hate or dislike a person,
I could not find that persons' good side..
No matter how hard they try to make amends with me,
I still could not make myself to like that person.
In my eyes, that person has flawed and it is difficult for me to accept...

So what do I do, I would just pretend to forgive and move on.
And I would make certain measures that our paths would never ever cross...

Today, I realised that after many many many years...

I once again

Hate and dislike another human being....and there is no way I can be forgiving...

Shabby life, innit!!??!!....

The Jealous wife...

A wife's nightmare...
Do you know how scary it is to labeled as The Jealous Wife??
It is not something we want to be proud of.
In fact, no one, not even an ant wants to admit
that they are jealous of
something
or
someone...

I have always told myself that,
whom ever that are jealous of their partner
are
lame... with capital L, capital A, capital M, capital E!!

and now, I am beginning to become LAME!!...

ah!! the shame!!...

Do you know that people DO actually kill other people out of jealousy?
They call it Crime of Passion...

LAME!!...

oh crap!!!

From the bottom of my heart, I am so happy to see that my husband is finally happy & comfortable at his workplace. I know he hasn't had this feeling for a very long time; and with "very" I mean more than 10 years. He is also finally, opening up about his office gossips & politics (me being, a gossip-monger..hehee). It took me all these years waiting for him to share these stories with me, but now whenever he starts telling...

I get really jealous!!..
my heart feels like exploding!!..
I become agitated!!..

Don't get me wrong, its not that I get crazy with everyone,
just one..
One particular sheila!!

arrgghh!!!!... what is wrong with me!!!
I am trying to stay positive in this matter
but...
I do not think it is working...

He and the sheila need to work closely; and by "closely" I mean together..
that is a good thing, right(?)
because he has an assistant, at long last, am I not right(!!??)

then why, whenever I give myself this excuse I feel
like I'm choking!??
my heart feels that it is at my throat??

I really hate this feeling of distrust..

A friend of mine gave me a pointer..
She said that this feeling maybe due to the fact that I do not know this sheila..
She is actually an outsider, not our common friend
and because of this,
I actually feels threatened (!!!??)

Me? threatened!! please!!!..(???)

..at first I find her point rather LAME but,
after long, very long consideration, she might be on to something!!

crap!!!...

Recently, someone mentioned to me Sigmund Freud's' Iceberg Theory.. I find the theory speaks to me..
What I'm showing to people are only at the tip of the iceberg
but the real problem is below the sea..
the iceberg that is as big as a mountain

We have only been married for 8years but, I've known my husband my entire adult life.
One should think that, I should know him better..
I do (???)...

I guess my worst fear is that he might decided to be "adventurous" like everyone else on this planet.. and somehow give this sheila a chance on him...

He said that he is not having an affair and that he's relationship with this sheila is strictly professional..

than pray tell,
why does the sheila need to call my husband on a Sunday afternoon?
Of course, its work related but on a Sunday, afternoon?

.. please!!! LAME!!!

What matter could be THAT important that the sheila can't wait until Monday?
The last time I checked, no one makes a call work-related on a Sunday afternoon!!

I can understand if it's on a Saturday but Weekends!!??!!

Weekends are for family!!

...crap!!!

I am the kind of person who avoids confrontation at all cost.. but than
how am I going to end this meaningless (if it is meaningless..) nightmare?

I'm sure my husband will come across this entry in a few days time...

I'll be ready to answer all his questions
... I hope!!

Sigmund Freud Personality Theory - The Iceberg Theory

The diagram...

A good bath always helps...

Don't you agree?

the cool water on your skin
the smell of beautiful scented soap
the richness of the foam which it creates

...it always calms me down

especially during those hours

that you feel so alone and beaten down
and
frustrated with your life-story

You feel the need to be lost in

the sea of foam...

drowning with giddy in

the beautiful scent of the soap
for hours and hours

hoping that
you will .. somehow
survived and
emerge as a new person

until the next ordeal .. frustration arises

...next entry : Sigmund Freud-the Iceberg Theory

A photograph on the Mantel...

People say, as you age you become wiser...
Do you actually become wiser and more sensitive of your surroundings?
One would say that they do but, do you really?

I am blessed to be surrounded by people who cares.
They helped me and my family build back our lives after that fire incident a year ago

but alas, it is not without a consequence..

Some how I get the feeling that I am subjected to their whims and desires.
I have tried to be a good daughter, sibling but somehow, it is still not to their satisfactory..

It is common courtesy, when you have a function, you invite people.. close friends, family members..but somehow that doesnt happen to me.

Why is that?

Could they be ashamed of me because of all the bad incidents that kept happening to me?
Could it be that they find me disgusting?
Could they really despise me that much?

Alright, maybe because a few functions that was organized a few years back, we did not attend. We had good reason for not attending..
Are we being punished for that? If we are, it isn't fair...

I was told that last Friday, my parents and the rest of family members had a small get together for my nieces' birthday, I wasn't informed which means that I was not invited..right!?. Again, on Saturday, they gathered again at my sister's place for another small gathering before she flies off to Europe for a week.. I was not invited to this gathering but,(by some miracle) I was informed that she's flying off that Saturday.

2 incidents in 3 days...
How would you feel?

The irony off all this is, my parents was there at both events and their excuse was "they did not want to trouble me..."

...

After I heard the Friday gathering, my "sweet" little sister said to me "aww!!..are you angry that we did not informed you?"

...

my alter ego stepped in and answered (unconsciously) "No, it's ok!!.."

...

What pisses me off is, when I called my parents on Saturday and Sunday, they somehow failed to mention of the Friday gathering...

...

Am I really that insignificant?
Do I not have a heart?
Am I not part of that family?

I am so angry..

...

I am 38 years old and today, I understand how it must have felt...
to be forgotten in time, slowly...

Just like the many photographs on the mantel
collecting dust..alone..forgotten..

Song of the Day...

Lyrics | Shinedown lyrics - Second Chance lyrics

Addiction..

Created by Oatmeal

..I am NOT that addicted!! Ya Allah!! Thank You...!!!
...heheee

2009.. in review

ahh!!! 2009
What a year.. what a year!!
A lot has been said about 2009 that has left us

I don't even know where to start!!

I guess, the most important incident happened to me (and my family)
was the day my house got burnt...(March 3rd, 2009)
The day that time stood still...
Nothing from that day was forgotten..

And since then...
I was left speechless
and lost for words forever
because...
anything that comes seems too
trivial and meaningless
My passion for words (and writing) seems to have left me...

arrgghhh!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so angry!!!!
I feel the need to express myself
but
I cant find the words for it!!!

AARRGGHHH!!!!.........