November 30, 2008

Blending in and Accepting the Truth

It seems that there is still hope for me to
blend in with society..

A while ago we had dinner outside, they were showing the sports channel. There was a match going on, Badminton somewhere in Hong Kong (I think!!??) I actually enjoyed the game. It has been awhile. Did you know that I like to watch sports?

Yes. I enjoy sports especially football (aka soccer), tennis and rugby (for obvious reasons, heheee!!). But I must say, football is still the best!!.. Be it the World Cup, EPL, Bundesliga I used to enjoy them..passionately.

I actually felt connected with everyone at the restaurant.
It is as if I belong there..
as if I am part of society...it was so satisfying!!..

The last time I felt like this was during the last World Cup in 2006.. It was THE most satisfying feeling I've ever felt!!
The suspense
The thrill
The frustration
The tears and blood
are the Soul of the Game

Ahh!!... especially during the Penalty Shoot-out!! I Really hate it when a team has to go through with the Penalty Shoot-out... don't you just hate it!!

Anyway, I was at my parents place yesterday (for my weekly ritual visits...). I have been wanting to do it for awhile and alas, I braved myself to go on the weighing scale.

Yes people!!
I have gained weight..(bohoo!!...)
I wasn't surprised at all!! Wonder why?!!??hhmmm
I think the main reason is that I have stopped feeling sorry for myself and beginning to embrace life with more maturity and forgiving (for myself and my ego anyway..).
I have a feeling that in some cruel way, the song (Stand in the Rain) made me see myself more clearly without judgment or prejudice.

Is this how I actually am?
Crying myself to sleep?
Suffering alone?

I'm beginning to understand now why I've been so tired all these years...

November 29, 2008

A sad anniversary

Tuesday, November 26th..
It has been one complete year since the incident that I lost my unborn child.

That day, was a sad day for me..
It rained the whole day..a cool day..a sad day..
It still hurts thinking about it..
Not a single day passed by that I don't think of my baby...
I guess what hurts more is the fact that my body agrees that I am not fit to carry on...

I was listening to the radio that sad, rainy afternoon. Drowning myself in self pity & loath when the dj spinned this song..

I find the song fitting to my soul and what I felt at that moment, and I want to share the song with you...


Stand In the Rain -Superchick-
She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain


please forgive mama.. mama was not strong enough..

November 22, 2008

The new Me (?)

You know what is my biggest problem?
One of many anyways..
I do not know how to initiate a conversation, or in this blog writing case, finding the first words.
so here goes..

Today I've decided to go through with it after thinking about it long and hard. It has bothered me real bad. I am normally a patience kind of person but this thing is driving me crazy and I have had enough.... My hair has come to a point where I can't take care of it any longer!!

Arrgghh!!!!

So in the end, after months of patience and evaluating, I had a hair cut.
Short.. a little layered..

I must say, I look good!!! really good!!

It has been so long since I felt like this.
The strength that crept in you, subtly after a good cut.
You feel you own the world!! and sexy at the same time..
I miss that feeling.
I used to feel like this all the time at some point in my life but now, I realize I don't feel like I own the world anymore, let alone feel sexy.

Why is that?
Do you think its because I have unintentionally shied myself away from society or was it on purpose? Do you think that deep down inside, unconsciously my alter ego has been controlling me all this while?

I say this because I know for a fact that my alter ego (aka Joary) is an Attention Seeker. She will do anything to seek some kind of attention, even the slightest attention. She's crazy that way!!.

If that is the case, I have lost the battle way before it even started!. I was never given the chance to prove myself!!...

...

November 17, 2008

The lost 10mins

Today was like any other day..
another Sunday.. a beginning of a new week
but deep down inside, I knew that something was amiss.
I cant really describe it but, its another of those deep gut feeling
that you just can't shake off...

Like always, I woke up early (I consider 7.30am on a Sunday IS early!!..)
started the day as usual with the laundry,
then the breakfast,
later giving my girls showers,
preparing everyone for our lunch date
then I remembered,
today they will air the last episode of the Korean drama that I've been following (well, on and off) for the past months, BUMMER!!

If I am going to make it,
in time to be locked in front of the telly, I need to speed everyone up!!!
Now, how do I do that?!!...

It looks like I need to wear my Drill Sergeant beret for today!!
Move!!, move!!, move!!!

After all the dissatisfaction look that I received, I somehow manage to sit in front of the telly before the show even started!! yayy for me!!!

Its a really sad story...
I'm sure everyone (everyone like me..hahaa!!)
wants to know if the two of them would choose each other...
With my coffee as my companion, my anticipation has gone wild!!
crazy even and suddenly...
the satellite dish has gone psycho on me!!
its at the utmost important part of the whole *blinking* story and I've lost the signal!!!....

arrggh!!!! all I needed was 10mins!!
the last 10mins!!
The most important 10mins that will shape the whole drama!!...
arrgghh!!!

So what did I do to improvise?
I turn to the ever resourceful the World Wide Web!!

hahaa!!!
and what did I find?!!
YES!! the 10mins that I lost to the satellite signal!!



hahhaaa!!!....

Now, what am I going to do next week?
bummer!!

November 14, 2008

The Day of Reckoning

Today's the Day!!!..
Today's the Day!!!!..

Last call people...
any ideas?
guys...
anyone... yuhoo??!!

I could fake a pain, yes? no?..

November 12, 2008

FRIDAY 14th




...what to do?.. what to do?...
arrggghh!!!!

My other half birthday is this freakin' Friday..
FRIDAY the 14th
and I don't know what to get him...

Maybe I could still get away with it?
what do you think?
Men, by nature never ever remember dates or numbers, right?
or maybe, he doesn't remember its his birthday until days later..?
that would be nice, yes? and I do not have to crack my head to figure out what to get for his 37th birthday...

Unless, by some cruel turn of event, someone decided to give him a call and wish him
Happy freakin' Birthday...!!!

..I'll kill that person!! By George I will!!

But, what if he remembers and expect some kind of present or surprise from me?!?!?!????

Argghh!!!!! ...
What to do??.. what to do??
Where to hide??!!....
What should I get for his present??!!

November 6, 2008

Nectar from Heaven




A few nights ago I had a take-out at a restaurant nearby.
They serve local dish with a dash of Thai influence. 
We ordered the usual seafood Tom-yam*. 
But this time, my sister decided to be a bit adventurous so she orderd a dish 
called Tom-yam Pokpek

I do not know if the dish is actually named Tom-yam Pokpek or if it has been changed just to make the dish sounds interesting.. 

Here in South-East Asia, we know that Thai foods are very spicy and beautiful. 
I have the utmost respect for Thai food!! 

This particular dish, Tom-yam Pokpek has all the seafood that you can imagine in it. It has crab, cuttlefish, prawns, siput lala (a kind of seafood..), lots and lots of lemongras, lemon, tomatoes, ginger, chillies... writting about it makes me drool!!!! 

This is one wicked dish!!! 
It is heavenly!! It makes me cry just thinking about it!!! 
The after-taste.. how can I describe it to you??.... It is something out of this world!
It's better than sex!! 

It is a true NECTAR FROM HEAVEN...

I need to taste it again!! 
I'll go crazy if I don't! 


p/s : to those of you who wants to try, the reastaurant is in Bandar Bukit Puchong BP3,
at the junction of BP3/5

*Tom-yam = a Thai version of soup. It comes in many colors, clear, red..