Good day dear friend... I've been un approachable this past weeks..
I have lost my precious unborn baby
I do not know where to start...
Let's begin from the top,shall we?...
Monday, November 26th at 5pm..
I started to have cramps..the pain started mild and gradually it became stronger..
I panicked of course!! so I start doing the dishes because I didn't want to think much about it (the pain) but then after about 5 minutes, the cramp became stronger,unbearable,excruciating then suddenly....
there it came, a gush, a pool of blood streaming down my legs.. I became cold feet!!!
I have never seen so much blood coming out from a person!! The blood that came out during labor is not as gory as during miscarriage!!! trust me!!! you know why? because during labor you are on the bed and you dont see the blood gushing out!!!
so, back to the story...
I called(or did I yelled? can't remember...) my husband to take me to the hospital..
In the car, the blood gushing out of me nonstop!! God!! I was so scared!! I knew I have lost my baby the moment I saw the first blood stain on Saturday (November 24th) but now, I was afraid for my life. When we reached the hospital, the nurses immediately pulled me to the Emergency Room (i.e The Resusitation Ward).The doctors and nurses started to work on me. The doctor said that they need to clean/take out the fetus out because it is stuck at my cervics, that is why I'm bleeding so much...
And so the act of scraping out my baby from me began... they cleaned, and scrap and cleaned..and the blood, God!! the blood!!! I just can't put in words how much blood was lost that night!! During the chaos, my blood pressure (BP) dropped to an alarming state. They began injecting me with fluids to stabilize the BP at the same time, I'm starting to feel sleepy and dizzy..that was scary!!! Mind you, they were still "cleaning" me up...
One and a half hours later, everything was done. They "cleaned" me up good. The doctors said that mine was a rare case because in cases of miscarriages, usually we need to undergo D&C. Lucky for me, I do not have to go through that process because most of the blood (about 50%) was already out during the trip to the hospital. During those quite hours after the aftermath, a nurse came to clean me up and made me change to a cleaner clothes. It felt strange. Deep inside I didn't want to change to a cleaner clothes because I felt that I was losing my connection to my baby. crazy huh!?? It was so sad.. I cried when the nurses left. Not long after that, I saw them took away my unborn baby..I cried even harder after that because, I didn't had the chance to say good bye. The nurse tried to calm me and told to rest,but I can't.. I cried even more...
That night, I spend it at the hospital. I was in pain because there were tubes and wires all over me. I couldn't sleep. I stared at the ceiling trying to calm myself down, the past events during the last months started playing inside my mind like a movie (without the popcorn and large Coke)... I know earlier during the pregnancy I was having doubts but, after 2months, I actually felt attached, I was actually excited of this pregnancy. I felt guilty and sinful...maybe God was trying to say that I should be careful for what I wish for because it might, just might come true.
Everyone said that it wasn't meant to be and it wasn't my fault, I know that is true but then, why do I still feel guilty?
